"He bought the bird. He's going to Mars. He's a rat. None of this is a metaphor."
Rat Elon's rise to power is a story of grit, sunflower seeds, and aggressive acquisition strategy. The following is mostly true.
Sources confirm he had a difficult childhood, primarily because he was a rat.
Lives in his brother's wall for 18 months. Codes by chewing through the ethernet.
Buys his first McLaren. Crashes it into a bin within 4 minutes.
It is also him. He is both CEO and payload. He survives. Probably.
Tesla stock drops 9%. He blames "the haters" and "owls."
Walks into HQ carrying a literal sink. Fires 80% of staff via tweet. Renames it "X" because he thinks it looks cool.
You are here. Probably already too late. Or extremely early. There is no in-between.
He's been on more magazine covers than any rodent in history. We have the receipts. (We made the receipts.)
(The data, in this case, is fictional. But it has vibes.)
A small sample of timeline-defining contributions.
just bought the cheese factory. fired 60% of the cheese.
mars by friday. confirmed. ignore my engineers
the legacy media is ratphobic and it shows 🐀
important update: i am still the CEO. of everything.
brilliant idea: a tunnel. but underground. i call it: the tunnel.
$RATELON to the moon. i mean mars. i mean wherever the cheese is
Heavily inspired by the master plan. Loosely. Very loosely.
Successfully completed. Born in a vent. Excellent.
Token deployed. CA visible below. Apes engaged. Engineering: minimal.
This time we're keeping the bird. The bird is innocent. The bird did nothing wrong.
It's a shoebox with wheels. It costs $80,000. The doors don't open. Pre-order today.
Initial colony of 12 rats. Self-governing. No predators allowed. We promise.
Already happening. Statistically inevitable. Scientists baffled.
A purely speculative parody on Solana. Not endorsed by anyone with a name beginning in "Elon". Or any rat, for that matter.
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